Saturday, July 7, 2012

I told my dad I wanted to marry him

In the end things didn't work out between me and Juice.  It was everyone's fault and at the same time no one's fault.  As he later told me "it just wasn't meant to be".  I told my parents that I wanted to marry him and I caught my father off-guard.  That's actually an understatement, my father didn't take it well at all.  This was the first time I ever told my dad about a guy and he was not happy.  As far as we conconcerned I was engrossed in school and didn't even know boys existed, even though  was in my mid 20s.

My father's stated reason for not accepting and refusing to speak to Juice was that he was from a different ethnic background. He said I'm free to do what I wanted to do but that he wouldn't be a part of it.  He said this knowing very well that I wouldn't act without his approval at the time. Looking back on it today I'm pretty sure that wasn't the real reason.  My father wasn't ready for the announcement and had I told him about anyone else he would have found a reason to shut it down.  I think my father especially didn't like that he had nothing to do with the process and that I had met Juice on my own.  My father was a great father and I credit much of my success to his fathering, but one of his downfalls is that he was a control freak and liked to have some type of control or say in every significant aspect of my life.  The fact that he had nothing to do with this didn't settle well with him and caused him much sleepless night and heartache.

I was young and had too much of a romantic view of the way things were supposed to be.  I thought if things were meant to be everything would just fall into place perfectly and there would be no challenges.  Juice was at fault because he decided the fight wasn't worth it and became distant.  When push came to shove he was no longer my prince charming and began to exhibit glaring weaknesses. I was at fault because I felt the situation at home was too much for me to deal with and I gave up.  My mom gave up.  We all gave up.

Although me and Juice still keep casual contact today I have accepted that  perhaps it just wasn't meant to be.  In the end what did I learn from my relationship with Juice? I learned a few valuable lessons about myself, guys, my father, and my family as a whole.  I learned that I need to fight and need to stand my ground.  I learned that I need to be more proactive and not dump my situations on everyone else to deal with for me.  That wasn't fair of me to do to Juice, my father, my mother, and my brother and it caused much stress.

More importantly though, I and I feel bad saying this, but I learned that my father doesn't always know what's best for me.    As baba's pride and joy, this was the toughest lesson to learn.

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